i am both unbelievably excited... and scared out of my mind. i have so many fears & anxieties about two kids & i get really emotional thinking about it. thinking about loving another little boy the way i love parker just seems unreal. i can't even imagine.
and thinking about sharing my time with another little guy scares me more than i can explain. i am already worried about missing parker & missing our little everyday lives together. every monday through friday from 7am to 5pm it's just me & him. we go to stroller strides, we do our errands, we share soft pretzels & we take our naps. he is my best little buddy. once baby two comes, those one on one times will become a novelty. they'll become mommy-son "dates" instead of "our daily routine" & i'm going to miss that. a lot.
there will be times when both kids need me. it's going to kill me to not be able to give parker that attention he craves when the baby needs to eat. there will be times when i actually probably get frustrated with parker's silly antics as i'm trying to quiet a crying newborn. that already makes me sad. i wish i could give my whole entire self to him his whole entire life. i don't ever ever want him to think he comes second but for a while? he will. it's not that i'll love him less, it's that i need him to be more independent so that i can take care of a helpless newborn... but how do you explain that to him?
and i haven't even gotten into my own personal life. besides being a mom, i'm also a wife, a part-time ecologist, a photography-business-runner, a work-out-aholic & a blogger. but when a baby comes? all of it gets put on hold. for how long? who knows... i feel like now at two years with parker i'm just starting to "attempt to do it all" & can almost pull it off. life is pretty comfortable. but part of getting ready for this baby to come in four months is preparing mentally to give all that up for a while. as a mom, it's what we do. we put our kids first until we find time somewhere down the road for ourselves.
all this being said, i don't want anyone to read this & come away thinking this baby isn't wanted. the reality couldn't be any more the opposite. i seriously can't express how excited i am for this new addition but i would be lying if i pretended there were absolutely no nerves at play here.
but seriously? i can't wait for august to roll around. i am so excited for our little family of three to become a family of four. to someday travel with our two boys & to cart them off to t-ball & soccer practices & yell things like "leave your muddy shoes at the door & quit throwing the football in the house!" you know, the stuff that a mom of two boys would say. i can't wait. i know it's going to be amazing & i know it's going to be worth it. i want this family to grow more than anything & i know in the end it all works out or else no one would do it, right?
i'm already beginning to realize that you don't have to take love away from your first baby to feel love for your second. as this new baby grows & kicks inside my belly, i already love him so much. and i know on the day we get to meet him, my heart will surely double in size. and although i have some fears & am nervous for the sleepless nights ahead, i'm ready. or at least i'm ready to be in a fog for three to six months until i eventually come out the other side. it will be worth it. it all works out. and parker will make it out a happier little boy because he gets a little brother out of the deal.
so everybody wins... right?
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