fish hatcheries & growing pains.

oh toddlerhood.

we took parker to a fish hatchery this weekend while down in vancouver visiting sam's sister.  it was so fun watching parker experience everything from the fish to the ducks to the flowers to the rocks to the dirt.  he was completely enthralled by it all.  and he really loves his auntie.

parker is in this stage of extremes.  he can be so completely sweet & hilarious one minute & so mind-puzzling & frustrating the next.  one minute i am in awe of this little person i took part in creating & then the next i am pulling my hair out trying to figure out what to do with him.

no one ever told me that as a mom you live in constant worry that what you're doing is wrong.  that you're using the wrong parenting techniques, you're feeding him the wrong diet, you're putting him down for naps/bed the wrong way or you're letting him play with the wrong toys.

as i'm starting to see him make real choices on his own & deciding how to react in certain situations, i'm always second guessing myself.  what did i do that made him not want to share with that other kid?  what can i do that will make him want to hold my hand when crossing a street?  how the heck am i supposed to react when he throws his food off his tray after eating?  ignore it?  reprimand him?  timeout?

i thought for sure as a parent i was gonna do everything right.  that other kids misbehaved because their parents did something wrong & i wouldn't have that problem.  as long as i teach my kid with love, he'll always do the right thing.

how is it just starting to settle in that my kid has his own personality & i can't mold him into exactly what i want him to be?  while parker's personality is very sweet, loving, easy-going, affectionate & fun, he also knows how to push buttons, attempt to get his own way & throw extreme fits.

he is such a fun little guy & i realize now that i'm not here to make him into what i want him to be.  i'm here to teach him what is right & wrong & hope he makes good decisions on his own.  and i'm just starting to see him make those decisions & it's kinda scary.  even if today it is little things like how he reacts to a kid taking a toy from him or how he responds to me asking him to hold my hand when crossing the street.

he already has a mind of his own, & that?  is kinda terrifying.